"I was worried about being the perfect model. How am I going to look? Old? Fat? Tired? Was I going to be stiff? Could I loosen up? Did I have the right clothes? How should I pose? What if this is my only opportunity and it doesn't go well? All these things had been on my mind. Eventually I had to let go, trust, and realize this is what I look like.
I looked at myself in the first outfit and I was shocked. I had never seen myself that way—I looked hot! When we started shooting some of those concerns returned. I was looking for approval by seeing Keren's face, and even though I was hearing her words I was still doubting myself. Then when the spotlight came on and I couldn't see her, I lost myself in the character.
When we got to the tire place, I thought, "What am I doing?" and then I realized….FUCK IT! Who cares? Why do we worry so much and place such an importance on what others will think? You only live once! I shouted, “I LOVE TIRES!” And with that, I jumped into a column of tires in my superman underwear—with 5 guys (happily) watching…and I thought again… FUCK IT!!! I thought it was so fun I didn't care. I got a kick out of the fact that they were looking and enjoying, and I thought, “Yeah…it's your lucky day!” It was a powerful feeling.
Then at the end of the shoot Keren asked me to write a word on a stone that meant something to me. I chose the word: unstoppable. There are so many things I have done in the last couple of years (this included) that I didn't think I could do, that I have done. I realized I have the drive and ability to do things that not everyone wants to put forth the effort to do. You get out of something that which you put into it. You don't get to be thin and fit sitting on the couch thinking about it. You gotta get up and do it. Nobody can do it for you.
You can't look at the top of the mountain and think about how hard it is to get there. You have to start small, and when you find you can do those things, you find the strength inside that you didn't know was there—and sometimes you have to dig deep. Enjoying the steps up the mountain are important. I never understood what people meant when they said "Love the process"…until I did!"
Hair & Makeup by Christy Maurer Mua